To her cheshire smile I'll stand on file; she's all I ever wanted.

I need to stop worrying needlessly and just suck it up and do what I need to do.

I can't help being terrified every single time I think about going to a bunch of schools and talking to a bunch of professors. I don't feel prepared for it, and I'm scared of what will happen if they don't like me, or they don't like what they hear when I play. I guess they'll be polite. So far, everyone who has emailed me back seems relatively approachable, but I'm still pretty intimidated by... Well, by everything.

I need to just practice my butt off. Whenever I play, though, I sound so bad that I just can't bring myself to keep playing. I need to get over it.

Stupid low self-esteem...

END.

I hear you laugh. I heard you sing. I wouldn't change a single thing.

Today I watched "Brother Sun, Sister Moon." It's a movie directed by Franco Zeffirelli about St. Francis of Assisi. It was a very well-done movie. I don't know how much of it was true, but it made me ashamed to be so shallow. Everyone should watch it. I almost cried numerous times during the movie. Beautifully done and very artistic.

I think I need to send J a facebook message. I want to talk to him but that's sort of impossible, so facebook is the best I'm going to get.

I miss my best friend.

END.

So it's Christmastime, it's been three years. And someone else is knitting things for your ears.

I'm listening to the awesome CD Julie made for me which, by the way, has "A CD for Allyson!" written on it. Um yeah, it rocks.

Today, I woke up and it was sunny. I ate a piece of cake and some milk for breakfast while I watched "What Not to Wear" with my mom. I threw a couple things into my car and listened to music with my windows down all the way to Farmville. I played my horn under the direction of Dr. Gordon Ring for an hour, where Julie gave me a sweet mix CD. I went back to my apartment where I packed some of my things in a pretty disorganized fashion. I went back to campus and practiced my horn for an hour to kick my chops into shape before I go to Mississippi, and I sounded pretty good for not having played all week. I ate Chinese food for dinner with Shannon, Josh, Alexis, and Jackie.

I talked to my perfect boyfriend for a few minutes as he was falling asleep in Paris, and I'm not ashamed to be cheesy right now because I miss him and it's making me appreciate him more.

I then talked to Danielle, who is the one person I have missed most this year, and the one person to whom I've very much wanted to be closer. We set up a phone date for tonight and I'm excited.

I made myself an ugly planner because I lost my pretty one.

I'm feeling happier and luckier than I have in a while. Finally, I'm learning to appreciate what I have.

Now I'm going to go write something. I don't know what it will be, but I promise it will be mine.

END.

The prettiest whistles won't wrestle the thistles undone.

3.75 for the semester.

B in Spanish and A's in everything else.

Wow, I am happy. =)

END.

Sittin' in the slo-mo and listenin' to the daylight.

Go listen to that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usVSQ43Q_rU&feature=related but oh my gosh please don't watch the video - it's painful.

Someone has a new piano book. Someone's gonna have some fun today. =)

END.

Yes, we'll go dancing, 'til it all starts over again.

I'm just going to sit here and play solitaire, listen to music, and let my fingers take me where they will.

This song feels like proof of a life after death to me. It's in a very roundabout way, I guess. So roundabout, in fact, that I think I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. It would pollute the feeling if I tried to express it in words.

That having been said, I haven't been this bored in months.

I guess I could get something to eat since my stomach is starting to hurt and my family is gone. I'm really just too apathetic to do much of anything right now.

I've done nothing but complain lately, really.

I am looking forward to a few things in the coming month, despite the fact that J is gone and I'll do almost nothing but work and do a practicum.
First of all, I ordered a piano book that Dr. Kinzer recommended and it should be coming within the next few days. FINALLY, I'll have something to practice at home besides scales! Secondly, as much as I hate work, I get to make money, which is something that I've been looking forward to for a while now. I hate lifeguarding, though. I really hate it.

Also, my family and I are going to Mississippi. There will be a few good things about that. I'll get to see family, it'll be a change of pace, and I get to go to Southern Miss and (hopefully) have a lesson with the horn instructor.

I'm not so sure if that last one is a good thing or a bad thing...

Last, but absolutely not least, I get to celebrate J's return with Miss Julie Gaines in the best way possible - sushi and the Decemberists! And even though Julie has to leave the next morning, J will be back on June 4th.

Could not be more excited about exciting things.

I think I might actually try to eat something now. I'm not as apathetic now that I've thought about the good things that will be happening soon.

I need to get a life outside my boyfriend and my grades. For real.

Toaster strudels are of utmost importance.

END.

Keep this in mind when you make life's plans: do what you wanna do and love everyone as much as you can.

I guess the most important thing lately has been my effort to stop caring about whether or not I get Dean's list this semester. And it's a sincere effort, but it just isn't working. I still can't stop worrying about it. I know how dumb that is, but I just keep thinking that if I studied just a little bit harder for one of those stupid classes I don't care about, on one or two things, I would be fine. But that didn't happen, so I guess I should just get over it and do a better job next time.

I don't REALLY like the idea of getting a C in anything, but I guess I'm pretty glad to have a solid C in Spanish. At least, I'm hoping I have a solid C.

I need to get over it. Seriously. Seriously get over it. There are more important things I should be thinking about.

My jury on Friday was acceptable, I guess. I just feel that I had that Beethoven sonata the best I had it weeks prior to my jury, and then I started slowly taking steps backward. Even when I was finally able to make the solo part seem cohesive with the accompaniment (and let's just say that particular problem was not Joseph's fault), I felt that my tone and intonation became increasingly bad, and my grip on the pitches and articulations became looser and looser. It was just scary to step onstage and play a piece that seemed to get worse each time I played it.

Fortunately, I pulled a barely-listenable performance out of my butt at the last second and wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. Mr. Tuckwiller also seems to think I'm ready to tackle this Richard Strauss concerto, about which I have SERIOUS doubts. I think he knows it will be a pretty big challenge for me, and I guess I'm okay with that. I'm just worried, because I never even got the Beethoven to the point where I wanted it, and now he wants me to start a more difficult piece?

I guess the more I have to practice, the more I'll actually practice...
If that even makes any sense.

I just want to be a better musician. I'm scared of too many things.

END.