Sittin' in the slo-mo and listenin' to the daylight.

Go listen to that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usVSQ43Q_rU&feature=related but oh my gosh please don't watch the video - it's painful.

Someone has a new piano book. Someone's gonna have some fun today. =)

END.

Yes, we'll go dancing, 'til it all starts over again.

I'm just going to sit here and play solitaire, listen to music, and let my fingers take me where they will.

This song feels like proof of a life after death to me. It's in a very roundabout way, I guess. So roundabout, in fact, that I think I'll just keep my thoughts to myself. It would pollute the feeling if I tried to express it in words.

That having been said, I haven't been this bored in months.

I guess I could get something to eat since my stomach is starting to hurt and my family is gone. I'm really just too apathetic to do much of anything right now.

I've done nothing but complain lately, really.

I am looking forward to a few things in the coming month, despite the fact that J is gone and I'll do almost nothing but work and do a practicum.
First of all, I ordered a piano book that Dr. Kinzer recommended and it should be coming within the next few days. FINALLY, I'll have something to practice at home besides scales! Secondly, as much as I hate work, I get to make money, which is something that I've been looking forward to for a while now. I hate lifeguarding, though. I really hate it.

Also, my family and I are going to Mississippi. There will be a few good things about that. I'll get to see family, it'll be a change of pace, and I get to go to Southern Miss and (hopefully) have a lesson with the horn instructor.

I'm not so sure if that last one is a good thing or a bad thing...

Last, but absolutely not least, I get to celebrate J's return with Miss Julie Gaines in the best way possible - sushi and the Decemberists! And even though Julie has to leave the next morning, J will be back on June 4th.

Could not be more excited about exciting things.

I think I might actually try to eat something now. I'm not as apathetic now that I've thought about the good things that will be happening soon.

I need to get a life outside my boyfriend and my grades. For real.

Toaster strudels are of utmost importance.

END.

Keep this in mind when you make life's plans: do what you wanna do and love everyone as much as you can.

I guess the most important thing lately has been my effort to stop caring about whether or not I get Dean's list this semester. And it's a sincere effort, but it just isn't working. I still can't stop worrying about it. I know how dumb that is, but I just keep thinking that if I studied just a little bit harder for one of those stupid classes I don't care about, on one or two things, I would be fine. But that didn't happen, so I guess I should just get over it and do a better job next time.

I don't REALLY like the idea of getting a C in anything, but I guess I'm pretty glad to have a solid C in Spanish. At least, I'm hoping I have a solid C.

I need to get over it. Seriously. Seriously get over it. There are more important things I should be thinking about.

My jury on Friday was acceptable, I guess. I just feel that I had that Beethoven sonata the best I had it weeks prior to my jury, and then I started slowly taking steps backward. Even when I was finally able to make the solo part seem cohesive with the accompaniment (and let's just say that particular problem was not Joseph's fault), I felt that my tone and intonation became increasingly bad, and my grip on the pitches and articulations became looser and looser. It was just scary to step onstage and play a piece that seemed to get worse each time I played it.

Fortunately, I pulled a barely-listenable performance out of my butt at the last second and wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. Mr. Tuckwiller also seems to think I'm ready to tackle this Richard Strauss concerto, about which I have SERIOUS doubts. I think he knows it will be a pretty big challenge for me, and I guess I'm okay with that. I'm just worried, because I never even got the Beethoven to the point where I wanted it, and now he wants me to start a more difficult piece?

I guess the more I have to practice, the more I'll actually practice...
If that even makes any sense.

I just want to be a better musician. I'm scared of too many things.

END.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering, where it will go.

I think I just might be. Fixing a hole, that is.

Things are beginning to fall into place the longer I exist here at Longwood. Unfortunately, it's taken the entire semester for me to figure anything out, but I guess it should be enough for me to have done it eventually.

Make sense? Doubtful.

I have some apologies I should probably take care of as soon as possible. Most of those apologies I'll never get the courage to tell, and some of them are probably best left untold. It's enough of an apology for me to feel as guilty as I do.

Nobody's perfect, but I usually think I should be, can be, will be someday if I try hard enough. Maybe that's why my self-esteem is so low. Maybe that's why I should just do my best and have that be enough, so that I can look forward to death and finally achieving perfection.

I'm just working towards death, I guess. That's really all it is. Perfection = death? I guess that's the conclusion I've come to. I guess that's why it's okay for me to end sentences with prepositions (which, by the way, I have done at least twice in this post already). When I'm dead, I won't end sentences with prepositions.

J is back from Wal-Mart. I think I'll give him his computer back now.

END.

Bunker or basement, the bills pile up. The sea view never was an option below sea level.

This song feels like summer to me.

I think I'm going to wear a dress today!

END.

And when I see you, I really see you upside down. But my brain knows better - it picks you up and turns you around.

This song will never stop making me feel sad and I will never stop loving it. It's like a drug, really. I'm addicted to its plaintive lyrics and the way they make me feel so happy to be a musician but so sad about so many other things. The melody gets under my skin, too. It's as though I can feel each individual cell on my body vibrating the slightest bit. It's just enough to make my stomach feel a little wrong and to make my eyes a little misty.

I think it epitomizes romantic loss in a very raw, honest way.


"And when I see you,
I really see you upside down.
But my brain knows better -
It picks you up and turns you around,
Turns you around, turns you around.

If you feel discouraged
When there's a lack of color here,
Please don't worry, lover -
It's really bursting at the seams,
From absorbing everything,
The spectrums A to Z.

This fact, not fiction
For the first time in years.
And all the girls in every girly magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone,
I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03,
And on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know it's too late,
And I should have given you a reason to stay,
Given you a reason to stay...

This is fact, not fiction,
For the first time in years."



"...and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home."

If you've ever heard me talk about this song, which I tend to do, I mention that line every single time. It's so eloquent and so expressive and sincere. "...on your machine I slur..." to me implies that he's drunk-dialing this girl that he loves. The word "plea" conveys such desperation, and that phrase "come home" just beckons so honestly.

"I should have given you a reason to stay."
I think that it wasn't really his fault. I think he just thinks it was. I think he's willing to admit to anything, even if it's a complete lie, just to make her love him again. I think I know exactly how he feels.

I feel dumb getting so into this song, but it's one of my favorites ever. I know it's just Death Cab, it's just emo, it's just whatever. It means a lot to me and I hear a lot of different things when I listen to it. I feel a very personal connection to it, to the person singing the song, to the repetitive guitar, to the harmonies, the lyrics. This is one of the few songs that I can listen to on repeat for hours at a time. The only reason I'd ever turn it off is if I were to become so permeated with poignancy that my fingers became sluggish on the keyboard, or if fatigue were to overcome my senses enough that I could find the will to draw myself away from this melody's pull.

Each word is heavy and full. There isn't a single one that leaves me feeling empty or unsatisfied.

It becomes more like a drug each time that I listen.


I came on here to say something, but this song has captured me again, like it so often does.

Fatigue is winning, though, and my fingers are, as I predicted, becoming sluggish.

My bed frame feels hollow with just a mattress and a large stuffed dog to rest upon its haunches. I should go comfort it as soon as possible.

I hope I meet the character in this song in my dreams so that I can hold his hand, cry with him, tell him I love him, and let him know that it was never really his fault.

END.

And both of His hands are equally skilled

I think I've decided that Easter is my favorite holiday because it summarizes the Gospel in the most pure, beautiful, joyful way possible.

This is the chance God gave humanity to have life after death. I think that's something really special.

I am excited to go to church this morning. I am even more excited to be a Christian, because I know how unclean I am and still how much God loves me.

END.