I have to admit, it's getting better, a little better all the time.

http://hearsay.alphaquam.com/music/070302_05-Getting_Better.mp3

One of the few Beatles covers I've heard that seems to really carve its own path through the music, rather than just sticking to the safe, comfortable grooves that the Beatles had already established. Also, I love Fionn Regan (www.fionnregan.com), so I was sort of leaning in that direction before I even heard it.

I'm a biased, stubborn girl - what can I say?

But really, I've decided that I like it.

You know, things might not be getting "better" so much as getting "different." No, that doesn't really make sense grammatically or technically, but it sounds approximately right in my brain, I think?

I need to prioritize. I wonder if I can even do that anymore... I think I've started to realize where my priorities should lie, but I don't know how to execute that realization, or even if I'm capable of executing it.

Despite feeling a certain sense of enlightenment, I'm feeling a little down. I struggle with all of the same things I've been struggling with for the past few years, months, weeks, whatever. I'm not really different on the inside. I wish I could say that I am, but it isn't true yet.

I hope I change soon, and I hope I start to prioritize correctly.

END.

Even so, it is well with my soul.

How little faith you have. You ask, "What are we to eat? What are we to drink? What are we to wear?" when all these things are for the pagans to run after, not for you. Set your mind on God's kingdom, and His justice before everything else, and all the rest will come to you as well..."

I love God. Can I say that again?
I love God. And He loves me more than I love Him. And I am so incredibly imperfect!

I wish I could see exactly what He sees.

That's the end of it for now.

END.

I figured I had paid my debt to society by paying my overdue fines at the Mulnoma County Library.

And they said, "Son, go join up.
Go join the Youth and Beauty Brigade."

I have figured something out. My happiness as a person is entirely dependent on how happy I choose to be.

Wow. I never thought it would actually be that simple.

Starting recently, I have made the choice to do my best in everything I do and to be satisfied with the outcome, even if the outcome is not too satisfactory.

I have been trying to cook a lot lately. I suppose my inspiration came from J's brother's girlfriend, Sabrina, who is a wonderful cook. I aspire to be able to cook for people I love and to have them really, really enjoy it. It's a lot of trouble sometimes, but it's so much fun! I would like to share with everyone all of the cooking that has been taking place over the last couple days.

Last night, J and I cooked dinner for ourselves and my parents. First we cooked these tartines that Sabrina and Mason (J's brother) had cooked before, and J had them a couple times when he was in France, as well. They turned out really good and my parents loved them! For dinner, we cooked crab cake sandwiches and cole slaw. It was all very good. I would only have changed a couple small things about what we made. The clean-up wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, either.

This morning, I woke up and decided I wanted some French toast. I threw some bacon on the stove and sliced some baguette and made some French toast. My dad made coffee and we all ate together, and that was my breakfast before work. What a great way to start the day, right? Lastly, I made some homemade guacamole so my mom would have something to eat when she got home from work. Both of my parents really love it, so I'm excited to have that recipe logged away.

I am happy with what I've been doing, because I have made myself happy with what I've been doing. I have been working so much lately. This week I'm working thirty-eight hours (thank goodness, I'm finally getting the hours I want!), but I have really been enjoying it. I'm trying my hardest to put my cynicism to the side and just love people for what they are, and I really am trying to control my temper while understanding that everyone has good and bad to them.

Another thing - I have been working my butt off lately. Do you know why? I have recently become excited to perpetuate myself as a successful person. It doesn't matter if lifeguarding has anything to do with being a music teacher, because it obviously doesn't have much to do with it at all. Either way, though, I have supervisors in this job who will probably be writing recommendations for me sometime soon. Shouldn't I do my best for them?

Beyond that, though, working makes me feel good. Productivity is the best kind of upper you can take. I want to say that every day was worth something by the time I'm done with it. I want to say that I have something to show for every single day I live. Just by making myself excited for work, I automatically enjoy it.

I have been getting a lot out of reading my Bible recently. I think I might go more into that later, though, because my thoughts are not organized enough to discuss something as important as spirituality. All I can tell you is that I have learned two very important things from the Old Testament. First, I have learned that Old Testament God is the very same God as New Testament God, despite Old Testament God's seemingly wrathful nature and New Testament God's boundless mercy and love. Secondly, there is a reason we call him "Father." It is not a formality - it is a name based solely on love. God is the only real Father. He's the only one with any real knowledge of what we need.

I have been trying so hard to remember to thank Him more often, for everything. I am so blessed.

I think that sums up my thoughts for the night. Right now, I'm incredibly sleepy. I need to go to bed now so that I can enjoy more of what God has in store for me.



Nothing will stand in our way.

END.

To her cheshire smile I'll stand on file; she's all I ever wanted.

I need to stop worrying needlessly and just suck it up and do what I need to do.

I can't help being terrified every single time I think about going to a bunch of schools and talking to a bunch of professors. I don't feel prepared for it, and I'm scared of what will happen if they don't like me, or they don't like what they hear when I play. I guess they'll be polite. So far, everyone who has emailed me back seems relatively approachable, but I'm still pretty intimidated by... Well, by everything.

I need to just practice my butt off. Whenever I play, though, I sound so bad that I just can't bring myself to keep playing. I need to get over it.

Stupid low self-esteem...

END.

I hear you laugh. I heard you sing. I wouldn't change a single thing.

Today I watched "Brother Sun, Sister Moon." It's a movie directed by Franco Zeffirelli about St. Francis of Assisi. It was a very well-done movie. I don't know how much of it was true, but it made me ashamed to be so shallow. Everyone should watch it. I almost cried numerous times during the movie. Beautifully done and very artistic.

I think I need to send J a facebook message. I want to talk to him but that's sort of impossible, so facebook is the best I'm going to get.

I miss my best friend.

END.

So it's Christmastime, it's been three years. And someone else is knitting things for your ears.

I'm listening to the awesome CD Julie made for me which, by the way, has "A CD for Allyson!" written on it. Um yeah, it rocks.

Today, I woke up and it was sunny. I ate a piece of cake and some milk for breakfast while I watched "What Not to Wear" with my mom. I threw a couple things into my car and listened to music with my windows down all the way to Farmville. I played my horn under the direction of Dr. Gordon Ring for an hour, where Julie gave me a sweet mix CD. I went back to my apartment where I packed some of my things in a pretty disorganized fashion. I went back to campus and practiced my horn for an hour to kick my chops into shape before I go to Mississippi, and I sounded pretty good for not having played all week. I ate Chinese food for dinner with Shannon, Josh, Alexis, and Jackie.

I talked to my perfect boyfriend for a few minutes as he was falling asleep in Paris, and I'm not ashamed to be cheesy right now because I miss him and it's making me appreciate him more.

I then talked to Danielle, who is the one person I have missed most this year, and the one person to whom I've very much wanted to be closer. We set up a phone date for tonight and I'm excited.

I made myself an ugly planner because I lost my pretty one.

I'm feeling happier and luckier than I have in a while. Finally, I'm learning to appreciate what I have.

Now I'm going to go write something. I don't know what it will be, but I promise it will be mine.

END.

The prettiest whistles won't wrestle the thistles undone.

3.75 for the semester.

B in Spanish and A's in everything else.

Wow, I am happy. =)

END.