The kingdom of the heavens is buried treasure. Will you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?

My last post still stands. Please don't think I don't feel joyful in God's promise of eternal life - who wouldn't be psyched about eternal life? But I'm realizing that being reborn is harder than it sounds. You have to relearn EVERYTHING, and you have to learn to break habits that you've had for years, and think a different way.

I have problems with depression. I have had these problems since my senior year of high school and I've had problems with intense insecurity for years before that. Recently, I've decided that I can change this by thinking a different way and by fighting off any negative idea that passes through my brain.

Guess what? That doesn't work! Turns out, depression is one of those things that can tap quietly at a spot in your brain until it slowly but surely creates a bruise as big as your fist. At first the tapping seems innocent and you can swat it away or ignore it by acting happy and using a bunch of cliches, but eventually, it will hit you again.

It will come back, probably when you're tired, probably when you've been put under a lot of stress, probably when you've spent a lot of time by yourself... I'm basing this on what has been going down in my life recently. Nothing is terribly wrong, but sometimes I start to doubt things (me stuff, life stuff, school stuff, work stuff, boy stuff - not so much God stuff).

The most depressing and discouraging part about it is when you know you've done everything you know how to do to prevent it and it still consumes you - you find yourself dissolving into tears and wondering why. You've warded off the bared, yellowish teeth of this terrible monster for weeks now - even though at times you could feel his breath hot against your face, his jaws so close your hair blows back when he exhales, and all the while you must endure the stench of his previous victims, the growl deep in his empty stomach so low and terrifying you could have sworn he had already swallowed you whole. Even through all that, you were able to at least keep him at arms length. Then, just when you think the coast is clear and you can relax, you fall asleep, weary from holding up high your shield of optimism and positive energy, you find that the monster has merely sneaked up behind you instead of approaching you from the front. Suddenly you find yourself being chewed up to pieces, and you can feel each of his jagged, yellow teeth penetrate your skin.

You realize sadly as you are being digested that your preparation, your training, your suit of armor and shield, and your resolve made of steel was all for naught. You worked that hard and fought off the monster for that long simply to be eaten anyway. Two steps forward, two steps back.

The one step I have taken since my last bout of depression has been my reliance on God, fake as it may feel sometimes. I have spent the afternoon praying bitterly or hopelessly, rather than faithfully and joyfully, but I have still prayed. This is a step for me. I still feel a lump of guilt in my throat each time I say "amen." But I did not pray before the last few weeks. I barely called myself a Christian. Now I timidly push back at the enemy and hide my face in fear, hoping he didn't see me, but it is still an improvement over being curled up in the fetal position and quivering with abject terror at every new day. That is how I see myself when I look back to a couple months ago.

It's funny how, even when I feel that I have sunk the lowest I have in a while, I still have countless blessings, and I have progressed such an enormous amount from where I once was.

Writing this post has been liberating and it has reinforced my faith in God. It's strange how your thoughts sometimes seem a lot clearer when you stop thinking and just let your fingers talk.

END.